I am a child psychologist and mother – here is the number 1 phrase I wish all parents stop using

There is a phrase that I hear parents say all the time, “I just want my children to be happy.”

But as a child psychologist and mother of three, I have seen how optimizing happiness in childhood can do more harm than good.

Of course, I don’t want my kids to be satisfied. But when we make happiness goal, we begin to see our children’s disturbing feelings as problems to fix, rather than emotions to tolerate. And when we fight to sit down with the difficult feelings of our children, we inadvertently teach them that those feelings are bad or even threatening.

Over time, they learn to avoid concern instead of managing it. Children cannot learn to tolerate feelings that we do not tolerate in them. The more we focus on making our children happy, the less feelings they learn to face.

And this is a recipe for anxiety, fragility and self-sustaining, which leads them to become unhappy adults.

Happiness does not come from avoiding difficult feelings – comes from learning how to tolerate them. The more we help our children cope with the worry, rather than trying to make it disappear, the less space they get those worrying feelings.

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In other words, building sustainability in childhood makes the space for happiness come out naturally, from a place of feeling at home with yourself, not from avoiding difficult items at all costs.

The next time your child is upset, consider these tips to help them build resistance:

• Fix yourself. One of the biggest reasons we will do is because we feel uncomfortable. Almost almost as if we confuse our child’s feelings with ours. Use this mantra: “I’m sure, that’s not an emergency. I can afford this.”
• Sit down, don’t fix. Sitting with your child’s feelings can mean to say, “Yes, it makes sense you are feeling like that”, or “Ugh yes, I get it”, or “I would feel the same way”. Also, you are shaking slowly, rubbing your back and saying nothing.
• See your child as capable. Reminding yourself that your child can handle difficult emotions means you will be less likely to provide a quick exit ramp. When you stay calm in your baby’s storm, you are modeling resistance – and they will suck it from you.

When we focus on keeping our children happy, we inadvertently send the message that disturbing feelings – disappointment, sadness, anger, jealousy – are dangerous. Instead of sitting with these emotions and working through them, children learn to avoid or fear them.

Rapid progress to adulthood, and the same children are now adults who feel unprepared for the inevitable challenges of life. Worse, because their bodies are so unrelated to worries and so conditioned to pursue happiness at all costs, they avoid challenges, timid from new experiences and struggle to dance from failure.

So no, I don’t want my children to be happy. I want something deeper, something stronger: I want my children to feel home with themselves, no matter what life throws their way. I want my children to be resilient – who, ironically, is the foundation for true happiness.

Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist, mother of three, and founder and CEO I Well insideparenting company and the movement of the next generation. Through her best -selling book, “Good inside: a guide to become the parent you want to be,” Ted Talk AND podcastShe has built a community of millions of parents who turn to her for practical, courageous and compassionate advice.

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